A Late-night Rant

It’s been a while, I know.  Oops.  There's a lovely Youth Lagoon song for you above, and uh, here’s a rant?

Since him, I’ve changed a lot.

Perhaps not necessarily for the better, but not for worse, either. 

Maybe I could say I’ve grown up a lot, but that all depends on what you call growing up.  Is it drinking underage?  Binge drinking?  Smoking your first cigarette?  First joint?  Becoming a bigger cynic than you ever were?  Becoming jaded?  Maybe that’s just being immature – who’s to say, really?  I know I still have a lot of growing up to do, though I believe everyone still has maturing and growing to do every day of their lives, up until that of their dying.  After all, if you’re not still learning, what’s the point; are you even technically living then?

I guess the real point is that he did change me.  I’m glad that he did, though.  Through our relationship, or whatever it really was I learned so much about myself because he forced me to think.  He read me like an open book and forced me to think about everything.  I want to be as close as we were, like friends, but I don’t know how and don’t know if he’d even want that. I miss him but don’t want him to think I only want him the way I used to. 

It’s not that I do.  But it’s not that I don’t, either.

I am over it.  I know I am because I can talk to him and smile and it isn’t fake.  It doesn’t hurt like it used to and I have my closure.  But I wish I could tell him everything the way I used to.  No judgments, and his advice always sincere.  Either way, I can’t say I regret having him in my life, because who I am now happened through that.  And for the most part, I’m happy. 

Where I seem to be running into issues again, however, is with my body image.  I firmly believe that was doing much better.  But my old problems have come back to haunt me and I’ve done some less-than-healthy things.  Like skipping meals.  Eating the bare-minimum.  Take a few weeks ago, for example.  I had a great night with some guy, and it meant nothing and it was fine.  But he acted like it meant something and then after a bad day it went to shit.  Fine.  But a girl that he was talking to at the time as well was stunning and gorgeous and thin, and I couldn’t help but feel a twinge of jealousy (that I now know was pointless, really). 

But for that week I stopped eating.  I worked all night shifts that week, and both of my parents were at work during the day.  That made things a hell of a lot easier.  So I’d wake up in the morning and maybe have some toast, and multiple cups of tea or coffee, whatever I was feeling at the time.  I’d skip lunch (I’ve always hated lunch anyway, it’s a dumb meal).  On break at work I’d get coffee again.  And maybe a whole-wheat bagel.  If my stomach started to pain or growl I’d ignore it and after five minutes it would pass and I’d be okay for another couple of hours.

I’ve stopped going out of my way to skip meals now but I’m still not secure with myself at all.  The more I talk about it aloud or read it over as I’m typing it now, the stupider it sounds.  It sounds so self-pitying and I can’t help that.  But it’s this massive obstacle in my life that I’ve never been able to overcome, it’s always there no matter what I do, it always comes back.  I’ve never been able to talk completely about it to anyone either because it just sounds so dumb when I say it out loud. 

I know my friends listen when I try to talk about, and I know they’d try to help me.  They’re all fantastic in that way.  But no matter how many times they tell me I’m “pretty” or any version of the word, I just can’t ever feel it.  It’s incredibly difficult, because I feel like it’s a stupid problem but I can’t get rid of it, no matter what I do.  Even when I lose weight I feel like I need to lose more and more, and I could name off a million things wrong with my body in a heartbeat. 

It just sucks. 

On top of that, I think I’ve done something wrong and a friend is upset with me.  I don’t know why and it’s driving me crazy and I don’t know what to do.  I don’t want to be annoying but I’d rather hear her complete honesty than pretend there isn’t something wrong.  Actually, multiply that by two. 

It’s just a weird situation and I feel very close to cracking. 

In the end I’m sure I’ll be fine.  I just needed a rant, I think.